The Sunday Telegraph
Edition 1 - StateSUN 25 SEP 2005, Page 080
Crowe's all-stars to save Rabbitohs
By PAUL KENT
A TOP-SECRET dossier detailing Russell Crowe's bid to buy a share
of South Sydney landed on this desk yesterday, prompting a call to
stop the presses. After a solid drink and a lie down, common sense
prevailed and a closer look was taken.
Entirely unverified, the dossier reveals a team list, one that shows the apparent
lengths Crowe is prepared to go to live out his dream of pulling on the red and
green should he obtain ownership of the club. In other words, if he owns the
club, nobody can stop him.
While industry experts remain split over the validity of the dossier, they agree
that given Crowe's remarkable talent to immerse himself in a role he stands a
better than average chance of pulling off the career switch.
It appears that Crowe's Hollywood performances have been the ideal preparation
for any opportunity that may come along, should coach Shaun McRae ever be interested,
or should new owner Crowe over-ride him.
Here, in full, is the leaked list:
No1: The custodian is safe under pressure even when there is nowhere to hide.
He knows exactly when to chime into the backline or scout around the middle of
the ruck feeding off any crumbs from the forwards. No man better epitomises these
qualities of strength and stealth than Dr Jeffrey Wigand, otherwise known as
No2: In the absence of speed and power, the suspicion is that wingers are the
pretty boys of any NRL team. Or quick on their feet, the theory goes, because
they're a bit light in the loafers. So how can you go past the robust Jeff Mitchell,
from The Sum Of Us. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
No3: No team can win these days without a gunslinger in the centres, a player
able to pull the trigger when opportunity arises. In Cort, the ornery cowboy
from The Quick And The Dead, the fact that he is a survivor at all indicates
he is a proven match-winner.
No4: The Artie Beetson of the backline, this guy is always ready to attack at
a moment's notice. Given this, nobody is better qualified than Hando, fresh out
of Romper Stomper.
No5: If wingers aren't all light in the loafers, then they're often found standing
out on the wing earning a wage under false pretences, many unable to even catch
a cold. To guard against this, throw the ball to Terry Thorne and ask him to
catch it. Even a mildly successful attempt will be accepted as a sign of Proof
No6: The architect of the attack, the five-eighth, needs to be cool under pressure
but ready to strike when opportunity arises. He must be able to survey the landscape
and, for his kicking game, must know every blade of grass on the ground. Jack
Aubrey, the Master And Commander, would make a great five-eighth and skipper.
No7: The halfback must be a mercurial schemer, the kind of player able to see
things that aren't there and then make them a reality. So who else would you
want looking two plays ahead than John Nash, from A Beautiful Mind.
No13: At lock, we need a clever ball player, somebody with rare vision that relies
on skill, not strength. But he also has to be tough, a go-getter who recognises
it's not always the size of the dog in the fight but the size of the fight in
the dog. Now if you'll only remember Sheriff John Biebe, from a little town called
No12: We don't so much want a footballer at second row as an athlete, somebody
capable of making 18 hit-ups and 34 tackles every week and who can play through
injury. Somebody like that robot in Virtuosity, the one they called SID 6.7.
He'll go all day.
No11: Packing in next to him we want somebody who will tackle until the cows
come home; a hardnut who doesn't know when to quit. Who better than Jim Braddock,
the Cinderella Man, a guy who doesn't know the meaning of the word quit, not
to mention a few other words as well.
No10: At least one prop position has to be filled by a meat-eater, a carnivore
who would rather a fight than a feed. So on my sign, Maximus, unleash the Gladiator.
No9: We need a hooker able to keep the ball on a string, one able to reach into
his box of tricks to begin directing the traffic around the ruck. Hopefully,
Alex Ross can show his Rough Magic.
No8: Also needed up front is a no-nonsense prop. Somebody willing to call a spade
a shovel, somebody like Officer Wendell ``Bud'' White, formerly of LA Confidential.
Can't wait for the Dally M speech.
Thanks to Maria